Demystifying the fear of success (and 7 ways to stop getting in your own way) [Highlights Ree

Hi and welcome back and if it's your first time here, I'm really pleased that your founders, I hope you're having a good day, whatever you're doing. I'm always, I'm always interested to know what people are doing when they're listening to this. You know, are you out walking the dark? Are you in the car, are you in the shower?

Are you washing up? Are you, I dunno. So, I dunno. I just get really, really nosy about it. I tend to listen to podcasts when I'm out with the dog, to be honest. Yeah, going for a nice long walk with the dog. Good podcast on. I'm in my element. Anyway, enough about that. hi. So what are we gonna talk about today?

So today I want to talk about something that's maybe not talked about very often, and I want to talk about the fear of success now. The fear of failure, I think is really clear and obvious, isn't it? We know what being afraid of failure is, you know, we know that it's about failing, feeling stupid, feeling humiliated, and and getting a sense of shame.

So I think that's something that unfortunately, I think most of us can identify with. And we've all sort of felt that at some point in our lives, haven't we? But today I want to talk to you about something that's maybe a little bit less obvious but is going to cause you to self sabotage and hold yourself back. So today what we're going to look at is actually we're going to explore the fear of success. So, What is the fear of success? Well, it's, it's a kind of, it's a sneaky one really.

You know, you might not know that this fear is something that's holding you back or, or causing you to self sabotage. But sometimes if you really listen to yourself, you could pick up on clues. So you might have a bit of an uneasy feeling when things start to go your way. Or you might find that you are hiding your successes from other people, or it might show up if you are.

Like really crippled by perfectionism because of course perfectionism isn't about the drive to be perfect. It's about the feeling that what we do isn't good enough, isn't it? And it might be that you are, you know, not doing things. So holding back from doing the things that you know are gonna make you more successful now there's a brilliant book called The Big Leap by Gay Hendrix, and in there he calls this an upper limit problem. And he says that each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. And that when we exceed our, in a thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old familiar zone where we feel secure, unfortunately.

And that's interesting, Right? You know, and when you start thinking about this, you can start sort of, you know, exploring your life and you know, for me it's like, oh God, that. Perfect sense. So an example of this for me was when I wanted to start the gray private practice membership. So obviously I, I run the Gray Private practice membership, started it four years ago and before I started it, I had this idea and it, you know, something I really, really wanted to do, but I was, I had.

Doubts. And I was talking to another counselor about the doubts that I was having, and she thought that the thing I was worried about was failing, and she was saying, No, Jane, it'll be fine, honestly. And I thought, No, that's not it. I'm not worried about failing because to be honest, when I want something, I tend to really put my mind to it.

I te, I kind of get a bit obsessed. I'm a bit, I'm a bit 10. And I really do my best to make it work. So it wasn't that I was really worried it was gonna fail, but through talking to her, I realized that it was because I was, I was worried that it was gonna be successful. Okay. Let me, let me explain this a little bit.

I previously had a business that's, that was all about self care for people pleasers. Now you can actually check out the website for this if you like it. Jane, Travis. Dot com. So at the moment to have james travis.co.uk just to confuse things. But james travis.com was the website I used for my self-care for people pleasers.

So you can go there and you can check out all the, all the blogs that I wrote. So, pick up some ideas. And I really loved what I did. So like I say, I was working with people pleasers, so I was looking at self care for people pleasers, helping them with the self-esteem, helping them to, you know, feel more worthy, feel more valuable, all of that sort of thing.

And I absolutely loved it, but ultimately I found it really, really overwhelming. And the reason that I found it overwhelming was because, I had people contacting me like all the time wanting help, and as a counselor we sometimes get this, don't we? You know, people might contact you telling you all about their story.

So I used to get people telling me all about their tales of. Cruelty in pain about how their husband wasn't letting them do this or was calling them that, or even, or even being, you know, abusive. And they'd send me great big, long emails telling me their stories. And these left me feeling really helpless because obviously I couldn't help them, you know, they weren't my client.

So I felt very helpless and I felt really overwhelmed and I couldn't just ignore them. You know, they would send me these, these emails that would be long and like pour out their heart. Couldn't just ignore them, could I? So I always ended up responding to them, which took a lot of time, and for me, more importantly, It took a lot of energy and I always need a bit more energy and this became such a problem.

Can you hear my dog barking? She wants to go out, and this became such a problem that eventually I actually closed that business down. And this really highlights the importance of doing this mindset work because there could be serious consequences if we don't. And I think that this, you know, with the benefit of hindsight, this was such a shame because I can see what the problem wasn't.

The problem was, As I'm sure you are thinking to yourself, , the problem was boundaries. I didn't have clear boundaries in place. I wasn't able to protect myself. if I'd have had boundaries, I don't think that I would've been in that situation. That business could have gone on and grown, and who knows where I would've been now, I could have been the next Brene Brown

So, yeah, so for me, you know, back to me sitting in the cafe with my friend, so to me the thought of being successful filled me with dread because I worried that I'd become overwhelmed. I worried that people would expect too much of me and that I would not be able to say no. But once I explored this with my friend, I realized that if I made firm boundaries, or even if I made any boundaries, , but if I made firm boundaries and then worked to upholding them, I'd be able to manage this.

And there you go. That was an absolute game changer for me. It's always the simple things, isn't it? And it's nearly always to do. It's nearly always to do with boundaries, isn't it? And even now, when new members join the membership, I have a new member's orientation call and people come along and I talk about how they can make the most of their membership.

And in that call, I share a document called What to Expect from the Grow Your Private Practice Membership. And in there, I lay out exactly what to expect from the membership, and more importantly, what to expect from me. And I talk about the fact that, you know, I take the weekends off. I don't work in the evening, so if you contact me in those times, then I might not be able to give them an answer.

And that just puts the expectations out there.

Now you might think that a fear of success is completely irrational until you explore it a little bit more and then you realize, you know what, if every time you do well, your sibling gets jealous. And is mean to you, Or what if your partner gets worried that you are doing better than them? Or what if you worry about being successful?

Because that means that you'll then have more pressure and you'll also feel a pressure to keep it up, to do more, to achieve more, and that feels overwhelming. Or maybe you might be worried that you'll be expected to do all that you do now. Plus all the new commit, all the new commitments to your job. Or you might worry that, you know, you've got a friend who, me, I dunno if you've ever experienced this, you know, the term fren enemy, where it's somebody that appears like a friend, but actually there can be, you know, a bit of an enemy.

So you might have a friend enemy in, in your life who on the face of it, seems really happy with you, but then criticizes you or belittles you or pulls you down. It's horrible when that happens, isn't it? It's confusing. Or you might think, Well, what if I find it too hard? Or what if I get overwhelmed? Or what if I get burnt out by it all?

Or what if I'm actually just not good enough and once I start to get more successful, people are gonna realize? Or what if you think, Well, you know what, if you have a worry, a deep down worry of, Well, what if I can't help my clients? And what if you also have a, a worry about, well, what if they expect me to look after them, You know, maybe you think like me, maybe worry that they'll become overwhelming and expect too much from you.

Or what if people think that I've got ideas above my station? So, you know, those are all little thoughts that can come into our head. So, you know, And I think, you know, most of us could have, be, have experienced at least one of those, haven't they? So maybe have a belief, conscious or otherwise that success. Means that you have to change and it's gonna turn you into someone else. Maybe you think success is gonna turn you into some sort of a hard nosed go getter. You know many of us have the idea that being more successful or earning more money will turn you into somebody else.

I talk a lot about Denise Duffield Thomas, cuz I really like her. But Denise Duffel Thomas talks about this in one of her books. The one that's called Get Rich Looking Bitch, at least I think that's the one she talks about in. And she talks about how often in films it depicts successful women as real bitches. You know, think about, say the Devil Wears Prada. You know, where poor and happy and hathaway's character. Gets a high powered job and is surrounded by really bitchy people that look down the noses at her. And when she becomes successful, she realizes that it means she has to put her friends, her lover, her life and her happiness, second in priority to her job.

And it's a story that I've seen a lot, and it's basically giving us messages that you can't be successful and happy. You have to choose. You can either be successful or you can be happy. But I completely disagree with that statement wholeheartedly. And I think when we look at this a little bit closer, we realize that actually.

You know, there's something about that that doesn't sound right because the truth is money is an in, I can never say it. Money is an inanimate object there. I said it. Money doesn't have the power to turn you into someone else. It can't turn you into someone. You are not. So if you are a kind and thoughtful person, now, if you had more money, you'd be more ki you'd, you'd still be kind and thoughtful.

And if you're a pain in the backside now, if you get more money, you're still gonna be a pain in the backside. You know, it doesn't change you fundamentally. So all these unconscious thoughts can lead to self sabotaging. And self sabotaging can come in all sorts of forms, but usually it would be procrastination, perfectionism, shiny object syndrome, that sort of.

So how can you actually tackle a fear of success? Well, if you recognize any of these in you, you know, here's seven different things that I've sort of thought about for ways that can help you to step away from it. So the first thing I really want to say is to please, please be gentle with yourself. You know, these mindset issue.

Usually take place outside of your conscious awareness, you know, so you probably had no idea that it was even happening, so please go easy on yourself. Doing this mindset. Work isn't easy. Change isn't easy. You know, look at how it is for your clients. You know, it's, it takes a while. It's not necessarily easy work.

So I suggest that you come it from a place of curiosity. So rather than beating yourself up about your behavior and thinking, Oh, I'm so stupid, why the hell am I doing that? It's far better for you to be more gentle and just come from the point of view of, Oh, now that's interesting. I wonder where that came.

There's really no place for negative self talk here. It just doesn't help. So please, please go easy on yourself. And the next thing I'd say is consider your origin story. So think back over your life and see if you can remember a time from your childhood when your success led to a negative experience.

Have a little bit of a think about this and see what comes. And again, journal journaling is an amazing tool when it comes to exploring my set issues. You know, you don't need to go out and get a counselor to do this necessarily, although going, getting some help from a counselor is, as we know, all is a good thing to do.

But journaling is a great thing to do. So, you know, talk about this in your journal. Ask yourself some questions, about, you know, where has this come from? How does it, how does it impact my behavior? What might ch, what might help me to change this and see what comes up. And number four, I would say, is really acknowledge this fear.

You know, this fear is real. If you have a, a fear of success. If you think that in some way success is going to be bad and have a negative consequence, that's a real fear and that's, that's gonna hold you back. When we explore it, it might not always make sense, but it most definitely feels real. So acknowledge that it's how things are for you right now and that you are working in this. So just say to yourself, you know, I, Jane Travis, have a fear of success that is holding me back from the things I want, but I'm going to change.

Maybe write that down. Maybe write that down every day. Maybe make it your screensaver to remind yourself maybe, you know, put it in, in your diary every day, morning and evening, and just remind yourself that yes, you're in a position at the moment where you've got a fear of success, but you are working on it.

And number five, of course, what have I've been talking about, Firm up your boundaries. You know, like I talked about in my story earlier, boundaries can really, really help with this fear. So where could you make some boundaries to protect yourself? I mean, maybe it might be that you need to make some, some changes, like it might be that you need to.

Not talk to your friends about certain aspects of your life, or it might be that some friends are actually frenemies and therefore it might be a time to maybe, you know, step away from them a little bit. So maybe think about what boundaries you might need to protect yourself, or maybe think about what boundaries you have that might need just some reinforc.

And number six, Really just keep working on this. These fears are often really deeply entrenched, so be realistic. It This might well keep popping its head up just to trip you up again and again. So be gentle with yourself. You know, you're just normal person. We're all just normal people and we all have these foibles.

Don't. But I think number seven, the thing I want to say last is, and this is a big one, do it Scared. Okay. Remember the classic book by Susan Jeffers, that's called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway? Well, that's how I've lived. Lived my life. Now I'm an adoptee and adoptees tend to live our lives in a state of permanent high anxiety.

So the truth is, if I didn't do things scared, I just would never have done anything. And once you do the thing and realize that nothing bad is gonna happen, then you're gonna feel less scared for next time. And it reminds you that actually you are in control. So do it. Even if you feel scared, just go for.

So there you go. There are seven ways to explore this fear of success, and I, I hope that you find this helpful because as crazy as it sounds, it's definitely a real thing and it can totally hamper your business success. And I don't, when say, success, I don't mean, it doesn't mean that I'm saying you have to go off and try to be a multimillionaire or something.

Although by all means, go and be a multimillion. Millionaire, but success means different things to different people. So your version of success might be that you are able to successfully run a business, you know, at part-time, at the side of bringing up your kids. Or it might be that for you, success might be running a business only during term time, or it might be that success to you means having.

Three months, a year off. You know, success means different things to different people. It doesn't necessarily, you know, success doesn't necessarily equal, you know, financial success, although, you know, obviously it sometimes does because financial success is great for reducing stress, isn't it? Anyway. So look, if you are ready to take control, why not come and join us in the Grower Private practice membership so the membership includes all the courses, all the workshops, all the guest expert workshops, all the live events, all the support,

so now is a really good time to join. So if you need a little bit of extra help, then come and join us. And if you're not ready to join yet, Grab the Grow Your Private Practice book. It's available on, on Amazon, and you can go and take a look in there. And just before I go, remember to subscribe to this podcast so that you never miss a show.

And finally, if you've got counsellor friends, then tell them, you know, it might just help them to grow their business. And you know, the more of us that grow our businesses, the more of us succeed. So there you go. That's it. My dog did. Stop barking in the end. Bless her. So I'm gonna have to take her for a little walk now while the sun is still out.

So that's it for this week. Have an absolutely fantastic week and I look forward to speaking to you again soon. Okay, take care. Bye-bye.